Is it true? Are the Olympics really over today? Hooray.

Finally we can get back to Obama, McCain, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

MSNBC, the self- proclaimed "place for politics," has been round the clock sweat-obsessed. I miss "Hardball," and Keith.

I confess I have zero interest in anything sports related. I don't care if it involves a ball of some sort or gymnastics or swimming. I have zero interest in swimming. The last time I watched anything that wet it was June, July and August in Maine. OK, I did love Esther Williams' movies.

But in the interest of writing this column, I checked in on a couple of events. I watched the swimmers in their new pedal-pusher suits. They all looked alike, don't they? I can't remember who got what medals. Did they check the lead content before Phelps put the medald in his mouth?

The opening ceremonies were fun, incredible really, but not as good as the Winslow Family Fourth fireworks. I enjoyed that, but it went on too long. I liked the cute little Chinese girl who I'm told was dubbed by Debbie Reynolds. I'm told the real singer was in a "cone of silence," with John McCain.

Archery seemed to be fun, but it was better with Errol Flynn. We did that as kids, but we called it "bows and arrows." I put one in Alan Power's eye once. He's never forgiven me.

Fencing looked like fun, but again, am I obsessing with Errol Flynn?

Badminton? Is that really an Olympic sport? C'mon. Badminton was considered a sissy game when I was a kid. My sister gave me a set complete with net when I was 10. When Junie Reed lost the "birdie," we used rocks and wrecked the racquets.

My favorite in the Olympics, is, almost anytime they do it, the women's beach volleyball. Boy, oh boy. Don't you love that one? Now that's an inspiring sport to watch. I could watch that for hours. It made me proud to be an American. That should be our national sport.

My loathing of sports started in childhood. I was always left out of any sports event on my street. The only thing I ever caught was mumps. As I said before, I never mastered the sport's art of scratching one's groin and spitting.

I remember that in the games they did allow me to participate; I spent the day shouting, "Over here, throw it over here." No one ever did, so I wound up getting a sunburned nose and chigger bites as I waited out in the tall grass for a ball that never came. They would even quit and go home without telling me.

I did get into gymnastics, but we called it tumbling then. I got very good at learning how to fall and get up without hurting myself. This is kind of a favorite Irish sport. It came in handy in my New York drinking days.

Soccer, cycling and basketball are all as boring in China, it turns out, as they are here. I watched a few moments of them before I lost feeling in my legs, and I went back to Women's Beach Volleyball. I don't mean to obsess about that, but it's just so patriotic it brings tears to my eyes.

I really don't mean to be snobby about the Olympics. I know it means a lot to countries like Georgia to collect the gold as their country is being sacked.

I must not forget to write Ralph Lauren about America's uniforms, which he designed. Where can I get one like that? The women were hot, but the guys all looked like waiters at a Kennedy-compound wedding.

Do you think they sell DVDs of the Women's Beach Volleyball games? God Bless America.

J.P. Devine is a freelance writer living in Waterville.