It's a dark and stormy night. Yes, it is. The wind is howling, wolves are screaming in the woods, windows are banging and someone upstairs is crying.

Alfred Hitchcock is in the kitchen typing the last page, H.P. Lovecraft is in the garden digging a grave, Mary Shelley is in the kitchen making tea and who is that behind her? Does he really have one leg and a hump on his back?

What we have here is a midsummer eve's blessing, a dark and clammy breeze from the Theater At Monmouth. We have "The Mystery of Irma Vep," an anagram for ... Yes, it's VAMPIRE.

But when you buy your ticket this week at The Theater at Monmouth, you not only get a vampire, you get a dancing, singing mummy, a werewolf, a haunted house and a lightning-speed replay of all your old favorite Gothic movies: Wuthering Heights, Rebecca, Gaslight and the Mummy's Curse, all performed at mach one, by two incredibly gifted actors and a host of young Ninja-Kabuki costume changers who lurk unseen in the shadows (Jeff Myers, Cate Anderson, Kristine Ayers, Katee Brown and Bethany Post).

And that's a short list. If you're an English major, and who isn't, and you read more than Vanity Fair and People magazines, you'll hear snatches of Ibsen, Shakespeare, Poe, the Bronte Sisters, Omar Khayyam and Oscar Wilde plus the aforementioned two master comics splitting eight roles between them, Dustin Tucker and Mike Anthony playing men, women, mummies and dogs.

Tucker even does a love scene between two characters all by himself.

But you're a regular here, aren't you, and you knew that no one else could do it but those two. If you're new to town, hide your daughters and strap yourself in.

"Irma Vep" is one of the funniest, cleverest modern American comedies you've never heard of.

Or perhaps, you have. "Irma" was written and performed by one of America's classiest, brilliant guys, the late Charles Ludlum of his Ridiculous Theater Company in New York.

"Irma" won Best Play of 1984 by Time Magazine, New York Times and the Drama Desk.

I will give you no more about this raucous comedy thriller than to tell you not to sit too close to the stage or stare at the portrait over the fireplace and prepare yourself for a curtain call for the books.

Get to the theater early and spend half an hour staring at the incredible set designed by this genius set designer Chez Cherry, who gives us an English manor house that out-Rebeccas "Rebecca," and a knockout Egyptian tomb that only requires Omar Sharif and Turhan Bey to make it better. The set is bathed in gothic glitter by the magic lights of the mysterious Lynne Chase. How does she make those candles flicker at just the right moments?

I always insist on taking up your reading time to point out the people who bring this magic to you. A special word about costumer Megan Moriarty (no relation to Sherlock's nemesis Professor Moriarty?), who had to invent period pieces that could be ripped off and tossed on in seconds and still look like they came from Universal Studios' back rooms. She gets my Tony.

To Prop Master Daniel Andruss, who found two dulcimers and a dead wolf. Also to sound designer Rew Tippin, who transports all of us to the moors, and gives us chills and thrills.

And especially to director Janis Stevens, who comes back from her sell-out tours each summer to sip wine and make us all drunk with her talents.

Unsuspected moments to savor: The two actors playing an English duet on dulcimers, only to break into the dueling guitars bit from "Deliverance." And let's give the Vogue Magazine award to Dustin Tucker for sporting the hottest evening gowns and how he deliciously works one spectacular silk kimono.

At my viewing, there were, by count, seven bursts of applause, and that was just the first scene. It all ended with a standing ovation, bouquets tossed on stage and possibly some room keys. Dustin Tucker and Mike Anthony, till death do them part.

"Mystery of Irma Vep" plays in repertory throughout July and August at Theater At Monmouth.

For tickets or more information, go online to www.theateratmonmouth.org or call 933-9999.

J.P. Devine is a former stage and screen actor who lives in Waterville.